I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
