there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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