dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
