dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can I color on your dick again?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
