i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
