Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
