false alarm. still invincible.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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