I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
