Tell her she can't have a vagina
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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