I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
