last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
