I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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