He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
