her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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