When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
