Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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