Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
