all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
