You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
