I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
