Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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