so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
