Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
