i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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