highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
