i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
