i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
