I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
