Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
