I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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