false alarm. still invincible.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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