If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
