Umm I'm too high to move.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
