I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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