Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
did i just pee glitter
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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