i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
