My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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