If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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