I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
