I faked an abortion last night.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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