I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
