Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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