You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
