The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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