I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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