Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You're like the curious george of whores
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
