I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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