dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
