you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
