The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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